I still love you
by EKP
Summary: You know what, Doctor? There's a thing I will never understand about love. Every memory of you hurts like the sharpest knife and I can't regret any moment with you anyway. Cause I still love you, Doctor.


Hello everyone. Well, it's my first try with writing in English which isn't my native language so I'm aware that this story is far away from being good. Still I hope there's someone who could tell what is wrong and with what I have problem so I could work with that. I love language English so I hope I didn't kill it by this story. Anyway I'm not scared of critique so please tell me about any mistakes below. I suppose this fanfiction isn't nothing new but writing it was amazing experience for me :)

* * *

 **I still love you**

 _„Tonight your memory burns like a fire. With everyone it grows higher and higher. I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love." — Rascal Flatts (Come wake my up)_

I close my eyes, and here we are, sitting on the New Earth again. Me and my New Doctor. There's your coat under us and we're surrounded by the smell of apple grass – it messes with our heads, imbibes its unique fragrance. The sun is shining brightly and nicely. I can almost feel the sunlight on my skin once again.

Suddenly one of us – I don't remember which any more – says something about sunscreen and we giggle just like couple of immature teenagers. Somehow we both feel alright with that, and me myself think I could stay like this forever. With you, on the New Earth, holding tightly your nicely warm hand. Because you smile at me and only me and I feel like the luckiest woman in the universe. Right now I'm sure like nothing before that together we can do anything.

I blink and everything changes. There's no sun or apple grass. But there's TARDIS, you wearing orange, strange costume and unspeakable feeling of relief in my chest. You're smiling at me again but it's different kind of smile than before. In your eyes is still something dark – mark after things you've just seen I guess.

I'm running to you and when I feel your gentle arms around me I must fight with this need to kiss your lips. So I just touch your messy, brown hair and you're grinning from ear to ear but I can tell there's still something weird about you.

I blink again. We are still in you amazing time machine but now you're literally different. Different face, different eyes, different look. Completely different man takes my hand and screams: „Everybody lives! Just this once, Rose! Everybody lives!". I can't stop the smile when I see your happiness. Together we save Captain Jack and after all you turn the music on, take my hand and show that Time Lords really are good with everything – even with dance.

This memory, just like the others, lasts just a few seconds. I start to cry, I can feel tears on my cheeks but I don't have time to think about it cause right now I see another scene in my mind.

You and me, small charge and somewhere in the background young Jackie and Pete. Cry of the child and noise of scared voices. And your big, warm hand.

"Just tell me you're sorry," you whisper when I look at you with tears.

"I am. I'm sorry."

You wipe away my tears with gentleness that I would never expect from you and you just hug me. You smell differently than at a later stage, and your arms are different too – not better or worse but just different. Still it feels like home when I'm so close to you.

Another memory and there's this new you again after the regeneration. It hurts cause I know it's one of our last adventures. We're holding our hands, laughing, joking and I know there's nothing that could make me to let go of your hand – holding it pleases me in this irrational, impossible to describe way, so unmistakable for human race. You look at me with this special look on your face and there's no need for words. Your eyes, the way you smile, the concentration that you listen to me with. Isn't it obvious, Doctor?

I close my eyes tightly but it doesn't help at all. Because all of this is in my head. So I just watch another scene.

Again you, your blue eyes, leather jacket and TARDIS behind you. Maybe if focused enough, I could smell her fragrance once more?

"Right then, I'll be off," you say but suddenly you hesitate. "Unless, er, I don't know, you could come with me. This box isn't just a London hopper, you know. It goes anywhere in the universe free of charge."

"Don't. He's an alien. He's a thing," says Mickey looking at you with fear and he points you his finger.

"He's not invited." You don't give much attention to him. "What do you think? You could stay here, fill your life with work and food and sleep, or you could go anywhere.

"Is it always this dangerous?"

"Yeah."

I hesitate for a moment and something deep inside me is screaming. Because I don't want to waste this chance. I wanna go with you, see everything that you can show me, feel this adrenaline in my veins again. But still there are things you can't just leave, people you mustn't let down.

"Yeah, I can't. I've er, I've got to go and find my mum and someone's got to look after this stupid lump, so."

I regret as soon as those words leave my tongue but I know it's right.

"Okay. See you around," you say like it doesn't matter. I can't find any emotion on your face.

You disappear but no longer than a few seconds and you're back. And part of me knows that I won't deny you again. The look on your face when I run to you for the first time is the last thing that I see tonight.

I open my eyes and look at the ceiling in my dark bedroom. I don't know how to stop the tears so they keep on falling. I don't sob but somehow he can feel my sorrow. John takes my hand and when it doesn't help he hugs me. He doesn't mind if I ruin his t-shirt. That's the difference between the two of us, Doctor. He's not scared of his feelings and doesn't run away from them. But even with this awareness I can't stop regret. Cause I wish there were your arms around me, that I had kissed you on those beach instead him. But John understands that and he hugs me stronger when I whisper your name. With everyday I hate myself a little bit more for what I do to him.

You know what, Doctor? There's a thing I will never understand about love. Every memory of you hurts like the sharpest knife and I can't regret any moment with you anyway. Cause I still love you, Doctor.


End file.
